I don’t even know how to begin talking about that time and that guy…when I first went back on POF and met BMX, my hit and run lover. It’s a huge testament to my God given feminine ability to heal via long suffering friends and several extended pity parties that I’m even able to revisit these memories at all. And I’m perfectly fine. He’s perfectly fine. I’m sure. And as long as the two of us are never in the same room together again we’ll both remain just. perfect.
What happened? We met and the chemistry was instantaneous and waaayyy beyond mere physical attraction…or so I thought.
I was cautious: “Let’s take it slow”, looking to ground heaven on earth and he was scornful: “You can’t put a speed on your feelings”. Too fucking true. So with that caveat, his feelings went from full speed ahead to DOA pretty much within a week. Oh those crazy feelings.
I just reread my journal for those days. Brutal. “I just feel so safe and right with him, like we were made for each other. He’s obviously a soul mate and an important one. Miracles do happen.” Omfg. I feel so sad for my preBMXed self. However, I’m not lying or exaggerating: it was really THAT fucking amazing.
But then it just imploded. The first weekend we had together, he was to stay over but he showed up late and drunk and weird after hanging out with an ex. Then the sleepover thing totally freaked him out and yeah, that was the beginning of the end. I know…WTF?? Because I totally did. not. know.
Then it was back and forth. The good bye which was disguised with his “I don’t want to lose you”. The texting and sexting and the continued emails that had me believing him when he said he just needed solitude for a while - that it wasn’t me. I KNOW! Don’t say it! I get it! Gah!
Then he stopped replying and yet I still kept texting. And writing. And believing. Because I could NOT BELIEVE he could just give up what we had together . Ok, so I’d been living like a girl monk for seven + years in a re-virginized state. Did that make what we had feel any less unique? Uh no.
Two months and one text conversation that went nowhere later, I went online to see BMX as one of my POF matches. HA! Yeah. FML. Funnily enough, that was helpful in finally letting go of him. Huh.
So. Am I like super embarrassed to share this with y’all? Yes. Do I feel like I was a fool for love? Yes. And do I feel that’s a bad thing and I wish I’d done it all differently? Surprisingly no. I am a big proponent of “everything happens for a reason” and to change anything I’ve already done would undo what’s happening now…which is pretty fucking surprising and not at all so bad.
I also now know because of him that you need to feel those fucking feelings before you can get over them, no matter how inappropriately huge and intense they may seem to anyone outside of what happened to you. Pretending to yourself is like a Bandaid for what feels like an amputated limb at the time. Who are you kidding? You can't get to seeing it as the paper cut it really is until you understand those emotions are about who you feel you are, not how you feel about what he did.
BMX made me, for better and for worse, the dater I am today: cautious yet still open…ish…and eventually much more confident. He was the first to say: "You are beautiful. You are amazing. I desire you." And then he was the first to test my belief in his words and IN MYSELF by bailing. Yet by planting those seeds to begin with, he gave me the foundation to have this path be about me and how I’m evolving /who I’m becoming and what choices I make thereof.
Here’s the thing I want to say: I was BMXed and lived to tell the tale. My vigorous inoculation against random male behavior has come in good stead and I was even able to write this post with equanimity and no Adele-athon. And yes, BMX is still my very lowest standard of conduct and yet still my very highest standard of chemistry…my boy weather vane for the long string of tedious first and only dates to come.
Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Discuss. No, seriously...what do you think?