So. The first guy I met who sent me my first dating message the first day I went online I nicknamed BMX. His profile picture was cool and he was hot and his “about me” was a bit challenging and not at all generic. I liked that.
Was he “exactly my type” before we met in person? No. He was 11 years younger than me, a plumber with a shaved head and a list of musicians I’d never heard of. Was he my type afterward? Holy shit yes. He was also amazing and uber intense, with a connection that was otherworldly and unlike any I’d experienced with any man…EVER…including my former husband.
He wanted us to email so I sent him this long, rambling totally just like me letter and he loved it. He got me, completely, and I got him.
Our emails grew longer and more intimate in the “sharing details of our days/ thoughts / feelings way” that is so couple-y and that I hadn’t had in many years. It was like finally exhaling after holding my breath and myself in for too long. To make it a Harlequin romance quote: “it was like a thunderstorm in the desert of my heart”. Gack. But true.
When we met very soon afterward, we immediately recognized each other in a way that went beyond solely physical attraction; it was seriously weird yet completely normal to us.
At one point on our first official date I literally swooned in his arms because an insane wave of energy hit us suddenly Susan at the same time…and I hadn’t even been kissed yet. Being with him was like being a cat in the sun. All I wanted to do was curl up as close as possible and never leave.
He actually SAW me…me, the invisible woman…and made me feel so beautifully perfect just by being who I really was. And the sex was in. fucking. cred. ible. It really was like remembering how to ride a bike…in the Olympics!
I’d never understood the stories of two people who truly loved each other but couldn’t be together until I received a taste of it with BMX. Within a week of meeting, it had blown up in my face. He was full on and full speed ahead then he completely withdrew and left me to deal alone…which I didn’t handle too well, fyi. Shocker.
Sometimes it can happen that fast going in and coming out and to have that hit and run be my first experience of meeting someone online was pretty much a mind fuck in many ways. He became both the highest and lowest standard at the same time and I learned an immense amount about myself in the next two months. Needless to say, I also got my Adele on for the first but definitely not the last time. Hard.
Do I know why he left? Maybe. He had a lot of issues that I don’t think he was ready to deal with or change to be with me. Do I believe he truly cared about me? Yes. I believe he still does. Does that matter now? Kinda yeah. Kinda no. Kinda whatever whatever.
Do I regret meeting BMX? How could I possibly?
“ What if some relationships are meant to be deep and intense, but temporary, sort of like the gift of a dozen roses or a bottle of exceptional scotch or whiskey?”
The gifts he gave me were huge and invaluable and if he did so by seriously opening then stomping the shit out of my heart, so be it. You can’t always get what you want, right?
But you really can find love online…even if BMX didn’t turn out to be mine. I am absolutely seriously telling you I believe this with all my heart still…even though I wouldn’t have another fun date for another six months. Seriously. Fml.
If you’ve been BMXed…and who hasn’t?...and can share about it, please do. It’s healing, cathartic and just nice to know we’ve all loved and lost and lived to tell the tale.