The definition of intimacy is: close or warm friendship or understanding; personal relationship. Therefore, the definition of “false intimacy” may be taken as the illusion thereof…
While I’ve been trying to write these blog posts chronologically re: dating, sometimes life loops back and what I experienced just last night gave me the perfect next topic that follows “messaging” and “loneliness”.
Oc, this is not the first time and even though I KNEW BETTER, I still fell for it. Curse my weakness for a witty and well written email!
So here’s the scoop, girlies, short and sweet: MEET anyone you’re interested in that’s interested in you AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Until then, write SHORT EMAILS and for the love of fucking God DO NOT TEXT AD NAUSEUM premeet!!!
Why did I use all those annoying caps and exclamation marks? Because only when you translate meeting on screen into 3D is when you’ll know whether you have any physical chemistry at all, which is paramount. That and I’m saying: “do as I say, not as I did. Again.” So sad. But true. And I’m not talking about just at the beginning when I really had no idea and ignorance was, well, just ignorance, but THIS week when I got overexcited by over communication and forgot my hard earned lessons.
When I met my latest faux mate, I realized quickly that all that wordiness did not lead to a single spark struck. Nor did it tell me that his sensitivity was actually neediness and his sharp humor? Cut. Hello! Not funny.
I know exactly why it happened though: because I hadn’t had a great date or a genuine connection with someone for months. Because I messaged HIM ( yes, I did! Read to the end in "Why I've Gotta Get a Message to You"! ) and got a literate and interesting reply. Because I thought I was over someone and I wasn’t. Sigh. And because one of the many byproducts of loneliness is the intense desire for contact and conversation.
At this point, had I realised my tender state, I should have stepped away from the keyboard but oc, I’m writing this blog so the whole “trying to date” thing? has taken on a entire other layer. Go, me.
Now, if you’re reading this and wondering: “what kind of idiot starts to fall for someone just through a few emails and texts?” you’ve obviously never felt how emotionally seductive words without context can be. Instead of physical cues you have your own needs and desires creating a fantasy frame of reference in response to what’s coming in and you will take what you want to hear/ read and ignore what’s not in congruence, just to make this picture in your head and heart look sooo great and I am sooo GUILTY. Gah!
Virtually connecting with someone else is the point of online dating and attempting to do so in a manner that is both enough for a real meet and yet not enough to pretty much guarantee lunch bag letdown means you’re walking a very fine line, girlies. Just fyi.
Can you avoid false intimacy all together? With awareness and diligence and experience you’ll probably only get sucked in say 10% of the time instead of 80% because it’s such an attractive patch of quicksand. Seriously!
And this is because? Because the everything within you is dying to come out and be recognized and find a kindred spirit. When you’ve spent too long in solitude, it’s being truly known that is most missed and wanting that again in your life is wholly understandable. It’s also what baits the trap.
Does immediate and inappropriate email intimacy between you and a prospective mate always lead to disappointment on the first date? Not always. BMX is my prime example of an intense written connection being the precursor to a mind blowing physical connection. But again, one could argue even that was just another feint as true intimacy requires time and effort to nurture and develop. And honestly? I can’t argue with that.
Have I learned, yet again, that certain boundaries are requisite for an optimum meet/ satisfaction ratio? Have I again lived to blog about it? And have I, once again, been revived via music a la "Tip the Groupies Taking Off Their Clothes"? Yes, yes and YES!
Warning: probability of false intimacy ahead. Attempt to avoid it. Hello! But if you can’t, do your best to ask yourself what motivated you to fall for it and address those issues firmly yet kindly until you stop feeling like such a fucking idiot aka a human being.
I personally just drank another glass of wine when I got home last night and put Pink’s “Blow Me One Last Kiss” on repeat this morning while deconstructing my whole experience in this post but hey, whatever. It worked!
Have you ever had feelings for someone before you actually met them? If so, did it go as well for you as it did for me? #not