So you’ve gotten to your first date. Holy hallelujah girlfriend, give yourself a high five! But if you’re like me, immediately after that, you’ll be hyperventilating like a mo fo because what do you do NOW?? What do you say? How do you SAY it? Have “the rules” changed while you were out of the game? Gack!
Honestly, my first few first ( dozen ) dates were like when I brought Boo home from the hospital then his dad ran out to get something from the store. Suddenly Susan, it was just me and the baby on the couch and I was like: Tf do I do now? I wanted this sooo badly and here we are and WHAT NOW?
Once again, just breathe. You can do this. Believe me, if I can do this, anyone can do this. Try this at home, kids!
The first thing I’m going to tell you is: “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.” Oscar Wilde
This may seem to be very obvious advice but I’ve been told, with good intention, otherwise eg “Be coy.” And my favourite: “Don’t swear so much.” ??!! JMFC. If I meet a guy that has a problem with THAT, he’s definitely not for me and I want to know that stat. And fyi, the definition of coy is: “especially for a woman! Making a pretense of shyness or modesty that is intended to be alluring but is often regarded as irritating."
A pretense being irritating. Huh. No shit, Sherlock. So unless you’re naturally fake and annoying, maybe not.
Oc, it may be a real challenge if you’re on a less than stellar first meet but think of it this way: if you can really be yourself and have a great time, that’s a true marker of someone you want to spend more time with. Then you realize it’s not just who you’re with but who you are when you’re with him that makes someone attractive.
Speaking of irritating though, that’s what googling about “rules of dating” for this post has been. Uber. I like this one because it’s saying what rules to BREAK. Otherwise, I think most rules, whether they work or not, are so much bullshit. Personally. They’re trying to homogenize then condescend to a group of people as daters, dictating what’s right and wrong for us as a whole. Really? How does that work for you? Because it just pisses me right off.
Maybe it’s my age. I used to be such a good girl but now I get really riled up when I think that decades after I first started out single all the same stupid fucking “do this/ don’t do that's" are STILL the rules? Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t have time for that anymore. Literally. Less time on the clock. I’m just saying.
For example, a BIG no no is talking about your ex on the first date but here’s my 411 on that: I’ve done it pretty much every time and the guy does it and we just give the deets then move on. No railing. No bitterness. Ish. Let’s be honest, most of us have spent probably half our lives with a partner; now we've got a kid or three. If you’re going to give a short history of you, it’s going to involve your past long term relationship. OBVIOUSLY. Do I have anything nice to say about my ex? No. But I explain why then we move on. Next topic. it’s all good.
“Don’t sleep with him too quickly.” Well, you KNOW I've broken this one and the sexism I've encountered by OTHER WOMEN about when I should or shouldn't be "allowing men access" is fucking ridiculous #what Making the woman holder of the sex control button and portraying the man as someone to manipulate but couching it in terms of "if you're giving it away stat, he won't take you seriously...EVER" is demeaning to both sexes. Don't. Get. Me. Fucking. Started.
So what I want to really say here is this: fuck the rules. Any or all of them. You’re back in the dating world and it’s brand new and you’re not the same as you were and that’s a good thing.
Here's what I do advocate: follow your heart and listen to your own instincts. You'll make mistakes - LOTS of mistakes! - and learn from them. Eventually. Hopefully. You want rules? Make up your own as you go along like I have. I’ll suggest some from my own experience but you can take them or leave them because I'm not your mom. Hello.
Finally, here’s what you want to remember about rules from a couple of uber girls:
“If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.” Katherine Hepburn
“Girls, they just wanna have fun.” Cyndi Lauper BAM.
Are you a good by the book girl like I was or are you a subversive and easily annoyed woman like I am now? No judgement. Just tell me what your favourite rules are to have and to break. We like to keep tabs on that shit here. Not sure why but it's true.