What I Refer To As Pride And Your Personal Train Schedule

                                                                          Seriously, dude. Just let it go.

                                                                          Seriously, dude. Just let it go.

Caveat: This is like but not like "When Good Times Want to Head to the Dark Side". Honestly, some shit just needs reiterating, especially when you're in the POF pool. #gah

So. I just found a whole file of actually helpful “future blog topics” from back in the day and I have to say I’m really fucking ridiculous. I do have the awesome ability to make myself laugh though and while probably of no use to anyone else or my already thin on the ground CV, who doesn’t love a good giggle, amiright?

Anyway! One of the subjects was what happens emotionally when the end credits roll on your latest relationship, whether you were glued to your seat or in the ladies, and you’re alone again. How do you feel about what happened? Are you feeling too much? Or are you numb? Rational or on the verge of madness even though you know it’s so unreasonable? As if objectivity is possible right after a break up. Hello!

One of the hardest things I’ve always found to wrap my head and heart around was the “no ending” ending otherwise famously known as: “resolution, resolution…wherefore art thou, resolution?” It happens when life does not imitate art or romantic comedies – sorry Dr. Mindy Lahiri – and you’re not given any closure. AGH! Did I say you? I meant me. OC. It has happened to me after one date, six dates, SEVEN MONTHS! and each time I’ve felt confused and wondering “where was I?” Am I ALWAYS in the can? Fucking really?

I get it. Guys disappear. It’s their thing. Easing out so slowly you don’t even notice or gone in an eye blink, avoidance is the key. Honesty as in “I just don’t like you ( anymore )” tends to fly like a lead balloon and often requires tedious follow up like: “What?? Why? When? WHY?”  Who wants to deal with all of that shit? I guess it feels cleaner and hella painless for them to drop off the face of your iPhone and move on. I wouldn’t know. I’m so not a guy.

What they don’t seem to realize and/ or care about is rejection be it silent or in your face is still rejection. It still fucking sucks to be left, especially if you don’t even know why. I used to sit in the dark with my red wine and “Someone Like You” on repeat and just wallow in sorrow, because I felt so fucking sad. Hashtag going to die alone. Ftw.

However. That was then. This is now. After my last and longest relationship just kind of went from was to wasn’t without any kind of notice aka "the frog in gradually boiling water technique", I was upset. I was confounded and of course rather demoralized. I felt all kinds of emotions and wished all kinds of different conclusions for a while but here’s the thing: I didn’t throw myself a pity party. At all. I didn’t hunker down and begin the self flagellation ceremony that used to come right after being dumped and right before the lights went out and Adele came on. AT. ALL.

It helped that he was always Mr. Right Now and to know our amazing physical chemistry was never going to overcome our basic incompatibility. If he hadn’t pulled the pin then, I would have had to soon even though I didn’t want to. It just made me wistful that he could do what he did how he did it. That’s all. My heart hurt but my ego was equally bruised. I thought he’d thought better of me; apparently, I thought wrong. Sting much? But my point is: how much does it ultimately matter if I knew all along we were never going to stay together? As Marianne Williamson so succinctly puts it:

If a train doesn’t stop at your station, it simply isn’t your train”.

So if he’s GWTW whether you’ve been apprised of his motivations or not, HE’S NOT YOUR TRAIN. Did you feel like he was “the one” until he disappeared? Then he was not. I don’t mean to sound callous to you or to my own delicate sensitivities, I just want to be very clear to both of us: TRAIN GO = TRAIN NO.

Honestly, believing and remembering that is the key to remembering and knowing that your life is about you and no one else. This is what I wrote in my notes so long ago:

“So when you’re asking yourself piteously: why doesn’t he call? BECAUSE. What did I do wrong? NOTHING. What will become of me? SOMETHING. Feel your feelings. Make your choices from the heart. Know you’re doing the best you can and living a life that’s a work in progress and BE PROUD OF THAT! And don’t forget to laugh about it and about yourself and remember we’re all fucking rocket scientists and we all fucking rock.” Alternate post title: Wherever you go, you’re still a rocket scientist. #BOOM.

I’m telling you: I’m still down with that shit right here and now. Hard. After all this dating, I am amazingly and let’s admit it, adorably bouncier. Ha! I now rebound like a mo fo, bitches, and I am telling you I was NOT that obvious candidate for this position when all this ridiculousness began two and a half fucking years ago, believe you me. But now I’m all like yeah…I got this.

I can unequivocally and absolutely state with my whole heart that I do not want to be with anyone who does not want to be with me. If you leave me, you are not my train. Period. So while my pride may smart and my dance card be sparse at the moment, my self esteem, self respect and self worth are solid. Trains may come and trains may go but until mine comes into the station, I am ALL GOOD. #FTFW.

How are you when you're watching trains go by? Do you still have to emotionally glue your shoes to the platform or are you merrily waving that mo fo on, confident that yours will actually stop and be waiting for you? As always, sharing is caring.

xo Lucy