So here I am in the present again. I just passed the first YEAR anni of being on POF and tomorrow it’s again a year to the day I met BMX so this week has been rife with sentiment and revelations and memories - all kinds of good shit. Sigh. And what’s an anniversary without a pity party, on the phone sobbing: “I'm gonna die alone, Allison!!”? Yeah. Break out the champagne, girlies. It was THAT much fun.
I must say when I began all of this, I could never have imagined I would still be ON let alone writing about it so that’s pretty hilarious in that whole, Universe laughing AT not WITH you way and at the same time, pretty fucking awesome. I mean, the writing not the still dating, oc, and I use that term “still dating” “very loosely”…
However, when this year began and as a new relationship ended ( effectively ON New Year’s day ) I was actually in good shape, emotionally. It was patently obvious to both of us, suddenly Susan, that we weren’t suited for one another and so my feeling was: Hey. No harm; no foul. It’s all good. Oc, it hasn’t been nearly that straightforward. I was back in the POF pool after a short stint of “exclusivity” just in time to celebrate the year anniversary alone, as would be appropriate for this kind of thing, but not downhearted. I was messaging with a Cancer like BMX ( I know, I know - a glutton for punishment ) and another cute guy. All of it was at least something, but then I hit a rough patch, email speaking. I hadn’t gotten a reply from the first guy and after ONE DAY! of messaging, the second guy sent me this:
“As pretty in my eyes you are (my knees just buckle and shake) I am too quiet for you.
YOU WOULD EAT ME ALIVE.” Jesus.
It was between guy #1 and guy #2 that I began to think: “Wow. I may end up alone after all.” Just like that. No caps. No exclamation marks or tear stains. Just a quiet epiphany. And you know, it didn’t feel like the end of the world. It was more like putting something away that you know you’ll never pick up again. Or maybe more like I felt I was being put away, never to be picked up again. Maybe it was a combination of my age, my personality and disposition, my desire to find that guy - the one who would continually engage and delight me and be engaged and delighted BY me - and not settle for less and my inability to be myself without being MYSELF. It all began to seem like the perfect recipe for a life without a partner. And I thought: Okay. OKAY. And I was.
But then I got that email which, btw, was actually gallant of him to admit and to also give a closure to our short “acquaintance”. However, it hit me like a blow to the heart and had me in the dark, wailing: I THINK I’M GOING TO END UP ALONE! in caps. Yeah. SIGH.
Was this to do with the anniversary of being online AND BMX? Or was it just me, even after all this time and hard won self knowledge, reacting to boyz not reacting to me? Being weak, being bored, being overly sensitive and underly confident…my female default setting.
Does it matter? It happened, even with my head knowing everything it knows. And I guess I want to further say the issue then becomes not “what am I doing wrong STILL?” but “why do I keep being so hard on myself for just being human STILL?"
If it was a friend of mine that was going through this journey and got dispirited sometimes and felt so lonely sometimes and made less than prime choices thereof sometimes, I would be uber empathetic and encouraging. I would never say: What’s wrong with you? Why are you such a loser? Why are you repelling men AGAIN?? Yeah. Right?
Sigh. This dating shit is not for sissies, I’m just saying, and at the end of the day whether any of us ends up with the partner of our dreams or not, we each need to be able to look into the mirror and be at peace with who and what we see there and to see ourselves as WHOLE. I need to be able to look at myself and say: You fucking rock, buddy. You may end up alone but you will never BE alone. You have your kid and your friends and YOU ARE LOVED.
So see you at the mirror, girlies and if you’re as hard on yourself as I am, tell us here @ Date with Lucy: how’s that working for you so far?
ps If you didn't click the links and read the articles, go back and do it. They are both eye OPENERS. With a capital "holy shit, that is so me".