How To Make It Not So "You Talkin' to Me??"

                                                             AKA " He Said/ She Said"

                                                             AKA " He Said/ She Said"

Soooo…what do you talk about on a first date?

Well, wouldn’t it be a perfect world if they all had conversation that flowed like a chocolate fountain over cream puffs and strawberries? Hello again! But we all know that, unless you hit the first date jackpot, you’re going to have to put some thought and effort into getting that verbal rapport, if it exists, started. I’m not saying you should sweat it like an Oompa Loompa at the Wonka factory; if it’s THAT hard, remember to breathe! However, while playing it by ear, a few bon mots/ clever questions up your sleeve are always a “do”.

Now, there’s lots of great advice floating around online re: what to say and how to say it. Or not…which is equally helpful, right? This one about what you should NEVER ask is interesting, especially the point about the HAIR PIECE.

I AM flummoxed that it apparently comes up so often it’s on a FIVE MOST list but hey, LAL…live and learn. I myself am fairly oblivious to fairly obvious things fairly regularly so I may have encountered a hairpiece situation and just not recognized it aka dodging a bullet. Score!

Oc, you know my feelings about the verboten “talking about your ex” thing. Believe me, it’s going to come up and it should be fine. Don’t particularly ask about it first and don’t for God’s sake lead with your own sad tale! However, casual does it should be fine. Then it’s “next!”

But if you remember to glide over your past relationship and “don’t see” the hairpiece, is that enough to guarantee a great conversation? Yeah… no. And is it as easy as memorizing some cool and interesting questions to pop out every five minutes or so? Again, yeah no. But what this article gives you as general guidelines before the questions is pretty much bang on.

“Listen as much as or more than you talk.” Now, the caveat to this is that nothing good happens when ALL you do is listen but for a guy that you’re interested in and want to know more about, this tip is excellent and really a no brainer.

So you walk in and you see what you like and you want to know more. That actual interest is all that it takes to promote an authentic connection generally. What do I ask my guys? It’s different with every date/ every guy, as it should be. It usually begins with something trivial - the weather or where you’ve decided to meet, what you’ve already emailed about, you know. Wing it, girls! If the chemistry’s there, then use what you’re given and improvise improvise improvise. As the date goes along, PERSONALISE. Listen to what he’s saying and ask real questions related to that. Then ACTIVELY listen. Hopefully, he returns the favor = a conversation.

I have to say though I can talk ‘til the cows come home, I also have the ability to allow someone ELSE to talk and be really present when they’re doing so. When I do this on a first date, whether I’m planning to see him again or not, it’s actually astonishing what guys will tell me. It’s like I’m the fucking date whisperer. Guys. Just. Spill. My gfs tell me I should open a counseling center for middle aged men because THAT’S going to be something I can franchise real soon.

One date talked about his dad leaving him when he was young and then said he hadn’t told his last girlfriend that until a year into the relationship. Another guy was passionate about how disappointed he was in his brother’s lack of ambition. Someone else’s wife left him for her FEMALE student. Yeah. Heavy heavy shit. Not what you would always expect to come up, right?

The point is if you’re genuinely present and genuinely engaged, areal conversation will develop and you just let it go where it takes you. It should be unique and it should be something beyond what you’re going to say to a random stranger, I think. I mean I don't give a shit what a guy’s favourite colour or food or sports team is, to be honest ( well, maybe food ) I AM interested in what he has to say about something that’s important to him/ that makes him feel/ that makes him want to articulate and share.

And what I feel is when you really connect with someone on that first date, that’s how you know, along with theall important chemistry factor, whether you’ve got enough to talk about if and when you go on a second date.

Here’s a question to end with: On a great first date, what DON’T you talk about?

What do you end up talking about on your first dates, girls? Let’s pool our topics here @ Lucy.