Why I Wanted To Smack Him HARD

Now we come to the guy who made me realize that compromising to just go out on a date rather than be alone was just fucking whack. Also, that going much younger wasn’t always going to work out in my favour and finally finally, if the date is at WHOLE FOODS, maybe going to the washroom and not coming back should have occurred to me. Either that or just saying no in the first place. Oh beautiful, clever, devilish hindsight.

Anyway! When 37 year old A. messaged me, I was like: All righty then. Why not? His pics were good. He said he was a life coach. Cool. We messaged on and off for a couple of weeks and then one random and boring Sunday he asked to meet. At Whole Foods. And I tragically agreed. *Sigh*

Here’s the thing, kids: this was still very early on in my POF career and while I wasn’t always on the verge of tears over BMX anymore, I also still hadn’t experienced what a good date was. Literally. I’d only had the range from bearable to unbearable; no barometer for a fucking great time existed in my sad little dating journey yet. I was still very much in the “I’ll give it a try!” open minded mode which, while admirable, needed some standards, let’s just put it that way.

So. I met A. at the grocery store! and we went to the bar where he proceeded to NOT buy me a smoothie. Then we sat down in the sitting down area and made small talk. He wasn’t as attractive as I’d hoped but we were able to have a conversation. It turned out he was actually a teacher’s assistant who WANTED to be a life coach and he lived with roommates and ate MOST OF HIS MEALS at Whole Foods. Basically, A. was a 22 year old 37 year old. Yup. Also, he was recovering from a foot injury, hadn’t worked for like a month and was down to his last dollars, hence the dutch smoothies. Did I mention I’m too fucking old to be going dutch on anything, let alone smoothies? *Sigh*

We then left and went for a long and rambling walk by the end of which I’d realized while he was harmless, he was also dull. As he edged closer to me I would edge further away = no physical chemistry. In other words, it was another overlong and useless date.

But. Instead of cutting my losses and calling it a night forever, we began talking about “The Avengers” and I was so into seeing it ( because I'm a 12 yo boy ) when he said: “Let’s go!” I was all like: “Yeah!” Fuck!

Long and brutal story short with just the highlights to emphasize exactly HOW bad it was:

-       We met at TIM HORTONS where he had his bare foot on a bag of ice. Words cannot express.

-       I didn’t realize A. had chosen cheap Tuesday to see the movie OC and it was sold out when we got there. OC.

-       I was PISSED. I said: “Well, let’s just go for a drink then.” HE said and I quote: “Are you sure you want to go for a drink in the mood you’re in?” in this fucking life coach lite voice that made me immediately want to smack him. Hard. You do not get between me and my wine if you have any sense in your damn Whole Foods loving head of yours, Mister. And the capper? “I think you’re taking your bad mood out on me”. LAST. STRAW. 

-       I FINALLY told him I didn’t think we were suited, being “at different places on our life path” is the way I tactfully put it. Still! Being kind. Curse my good manners. A. then proceeded to ARGUE with me. I had just told him we had nothing in common and I wasn’t interested in him and he would. Not. Stop. Talking. Outside the theatre. Because he was too cheap to go for a drink.

-       I just had to leave. I actually gave him a hug and kiss before just walking away because why?? And do you know what he said? “You’re just leaving??” YES. FINALLY.

I hadn’t wanted to hit a date before A. nor have I since. He stands out as uniquely irritating to this very day. Awesome!

I look back at this disaster and wonder how I survived those first six months. I was so fucking all over the map and trying so hard to give everyone and everything a chance that what I wanted and needed was pretty much insignificant. TO MYSELF! Holy smoking cow. Wtf? And in the name of good sportsmanship and fair play, I went out and out and out and had a miserable time, over and over again.

What’s my point? For the love of God, don’t do what I did! If you want to see a movie/ try a new restaurant/ do anything fun anywhere, DO NOT make a lame-o date to just have someone with a different chromosomal set to go with you. Go with a friend or go by yourself, dude and treasure your independence and solitude. TREASURE IT!

I got home from that debacle, RAN to my red wine, plopped myself down on my righteous couch and thanked my lucky stars I was home and all alone. Ironically, that’s definitely one thing all this dating experience has given me: a real abiding and continual appreciation for my own company…and a real fucking hate on for Whole Foods. Fyi.

What say you, girlfriends? Do you feel any date is better than nothing? Or are you in your right fucking mind? Sorry, that came out wrong! Ish. If you can come up with a great reason to be out and miserable rather than home and happy, I would totally listen. And if you're all like: "Right on, sister!!" I'm all about that as well. Bring it!

xo Lucy