How Do You Come Back From Nowhere?

                                             Could you bounce and stay bounced? Please and thank you.

                                             Could you bounce and stay bounced? Please and thank you.

The title is a rhetorical question and refers to dates or even non date connections that have that unfortunate rubber ball quality. I say unfortunate because it’s never someone you WANT coming back to you or you wouldn’t have thrown the fucking thing in the first place, am I right?

I know by the end of 95% of my first dates whether I’m interested in a second. I mean…doesn’t everyone? And while the level of interest may range from “hmmm….why not?” to “HOLY SHIT. YES PLEASE!” sometimes it’s merely because I’m not 100% sure I DON’T want one which is enough for me to give it one more shot. But 95% of the time I’m POSITIVE I don’t want a repeat performance and if it’s not completely evident by the end of our time together and I’m asked out again, I simply decline. Very nicely. Usually employing at least one white lie. Okay, it’s never simple. Fuck. But no one needs to know we have absolutely no chemistry and I found the entire date a chore from beginning to end. If positions were reversed, please and thank you lie to me. I feel no need to savage anyone’s ego or be savaged. No brainer much?

However. Once I say no thank you, I’d like it to be clear that I mean it, not just in the moment you asked me but also the following week/ month/ two months ad nauseum. In fact, let’s just throw this out there: if I’ve said no to a second date to you it’s a forever thing. FOR. FUCKING. EVER. Okee dokee? Yet I’m going to estimate that I’ve got a solid 25% bounce back rate on my first date only group, give or take. SERIOUSLY??

I once asked a friend what the fuck that was all about and he said: “dudes don’t like to give up.” Oh my fucking Lord, I am not a physical skill or driving exam. Practise will not make you perfect. It will irritate me though and make me wonder: were we on the same fucking date or what??

Some examples from past posts:

-       The guy with the way long profile who corrected me on mine and then kept bumping into me on the interminable walk back up the hill

-       The chef with the renown fruit plate

-       The younger guy that I wanted to smack HARD

-       The guy who showed up man pregnant

ALL of them messaged me after a month or two asking me out AGAIN, as if waiting for enough time to pass so…what? What?? I’d forget that I’d said no? I’d forget we’re as compatible as chalk and fucking Chucky Cheese? Or is it my age? Are they all assuming/ hoping for some early dementia/ long term memory loss starting to kick in and help their cause? It honestly flabbergasts me.

And now a new category has emerged: the “I did you wrong but enough time’s passed so I can pretend like we’re no longer in that bad place and yeah…MESSAGE YOU AGAIN.” gang.  Sooo! That means in the past week I’ve received an online gift from the guy who didn’t honor the date we made and a FB friend request! from the guy who just didn’t reply to my last email. Finally, and this is the kicker, I got a flirt from one of the only two guys who’ve ever actually STOOD ME UP saying:

“Hey, take a look at my profile and let me know if you’re interested in connecting.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? In what universe would that be happening, dude?

Now, I don’t go out of my way to hold a grudge. If I’ve spent any amount of time with you and we had any kind of genuine connection then you fuck off without a word because you’re a guy THEN you contact me again, it’s all good. I’ll say hey and we can shoot the shit. If we had a great first date and I never hear from you again though I would have liked to, also np. It’s not like I’m the only one who gets to decide on a second date. Hello.

I’m just saying I don’t get this bounce back thing when it’s coming from a big fucking black hole of failed first datedom. We tried. It failed. I’m not an Apollo mission. You don’t get to rebuild and try again at a not much later date unless you’re coming back as “not you”. Wtf?

As for the guys who actually fucked up and are trying to pretend TO ME that it’s all forgotten about and yeah who was THAT fucking idiot anyway?? Ummm, #ItsOfficial #MindBlown

And of course, there’s always the guys that won’t stop flirting or messaging me even though I’ve never ONCE responded or replied but who are we kidding? They make up the majority of my online dating experience. Without them, I honestly think they’d have to change it to “Not Nearly As Many Fish” which while truthful, doesn’t have the same markety ring to it. Truth rarely does.

In conclusion, while I have nothing but admiration for persistence as a personal characteristic, if it’s causing you to pursue me after I’ve said no, I need you to understand: that train has passed/ that ship has sailed/ that initial yes has become a permanent no. Please take that energy to a batting cage or a golf range and get your game on there because dude, it is fucking wasted on me and you are never going to be bouncing back from that.

Do you have any "and the cat came back" stories?  I know we're going from balls to felines suddenly Susan but follow my logic - they're both fucking irritating when you don't want a second date with them, amiright? Share here @datewithlucy because yeah...that's what we girlies do.

xo Lucy