It’s No Big Fucking Deal Ok? I Swear

When I began Lucy many moons and first dates ago, it quickly became evident how so many of the situations, emotions and MEN I was writing about were universally accessible or known qualities. But probably not a lot of you get messages like:

The cursing older mature woman.. I love it.. hahha.. How did you spend your fuc**ing weekend? Haha”

or some witty variation thereof on a regular basis like I do because well, I’m me #sigh

I don’t know if y’all have noticed but I swear. Like, a whole fucking lot. It’s actually in my blog disclaimer along with the warning that if you’re reading me for salacious sexual exploits, you’ll be sadly and continuously disappointed. You and me both, dude, you and me both. But the thing is, I want to be able to say what I want to say how I want to say it and since my particular gift is that I write exactly how I talk, this is it. And it’s either your thing and you’re all like: you go, mofo! Or you’re like so no and then you don’t read Lucy and we’re all good. I have no desire to censure myself to try and please everyone. It’s not possible. I want to please myself first then all my tribe out there who NEEDS a foul mouthed female protagonist oversharing her dating debacles. It’s a wide woolly online world out there and room for all of us, f bombers included.

IRL, I swear because I like it. It’s as simple as that. Can I NOT swear? Oc. I’m not a fucking idiot nor do I suffer from Tourette’s. Hello. But if I’m being my real self, I just do. More than my 25 yo son and his friends. More than most of my friends. Not more than Pulp Fiction though. Maybe not LESS but not more. Probably.

It was in grade five when I discovered how liberating it was to use forbidden words. I was your typical good girl from an emotionally arid home; I was also the youngest so my voice was never heard let alone listened to. But when I swore, I heard myself. That’s the only way I can describe it – it felt so empowering. It was also so subversive for who I seemed to be yet even then it totally suited who I truly was. And it was never about swearing AT anyone. I’m not a thug. Nor do I have a limited vocabulary, unable to express myself in a more creative manner than saying fuck this, fuck that. Sooo fuck that. Some people love knitting or football or baked goods. I fucking love to swear.

But. Here’s the thing. My swearing? Is a fucking THING. In my dating life. A thing! I know. What?

Back in the bad old days of my second first time and my previous profile, I didn’t say anything about my language. Why would I? I didn’t even consider it. And then the dates began.

At first, it was just sometimes noticed and remarked upon. Not a big deal, though when someone calls me “potty mouth” I want to say are we five years old or what? It was never enough to be an issue for me. At first. But it was like a splinter. Irritating. Unnecessary. I just didn’t understand why I even had to deal with it. You know?

And I wonder how many men are made to feel inappropriate because their language is heavily salted not artificially sweetened? 

So. Maybe a year into the dating scene, I’d read many many profiles and noticed an excellent plot device, as it were, used by a few clever guys. They would put some big reveal at the very end of their “about me” and say:

“If you’ve read this far down…”

Now I don’t want to shock anyone but many people don’t read all the way down the profile. Many people DON’T READ the fucking profile at ALL. I was one of those adorable naifs who was shocked when my gf Nicolee had to tell that to ME. Lord, I was like a guppy in the POF shark pool.

Anyhoo, long story short, I totally co-opted that excellent technique and put at the bottom of mine my real age – I’d rolled it back five years because of Daniel’s advice which is a whole post in itself  – AND the fact that I swear like a fucking sailor. Perfect! Solved. Right?

Fast forward to now with my new “about me” and my old reveal. I’m not making a big deal about either of them; I’m just making clear statements. Blah, blah blah. Move on.

Well, for the love of fucking God. Probably 20% of my first messages involve swearing, often AT ME. “How the fuck are you?” is a popular one with this set. #heavysigh Or I get the “I don’t care if you swear"s that go with the “I love that you swear!"s. My faves though are the guys that ask me: “WHY do you swear?” Did I miss something? Are you my mother? My parole officer? What?

In one memorable day I got: “I’d love to meet but can you please not swear?” Are you FUCKING KIDDING me here? and “Wow, I’d love to see you swear.” Fuck off with yourself, buddy. I’m not your fucking dancing monkey.

Like, seriously? My swearing has taken on a life of its own apparently. Perhaps it should have its own profile as well since it seems to generate its own share of fucking idiots messaging about it. Oh my loony Lord.

Here’s what I’m actually looking for - the no response response. I’ve warned you. Now you know. We meet. I drop the f bomb through out. You give absolutely zero fucks. Our chemistry isn’t dependent on who swears more – and believe me, it’s pretty much always me – but as long as neither one of us cares, we’re fucking golden. Amiright?

And fyi, my last guy said I do NOT swear like a sailor…though my last name in his phone was “SwearsLikeASailor”. Ha!

Do you swear? Do you swear like me? If so, how does it fly on your first dates? Like helium or fucking lead? Share and swear away at Date with Lucy because we wear big girl panties here. Fucking bring it.

xo Lucy