I’m a Liar Liar Pants On Fire

I’ve talked about POF truth in advertising. I’ve discussed profiles – what to say and not say, what to do and not do. Throughout, I’ve continuously advocated honesty - emotional, pictorial and otherwise. And I’ve also mentioned, more than once, that I am, in fact, a LLPOF – hahaha POF! - because I no longer give my correct age until the very end of the third act. This is where I tell you why…right after I contour my Pinocchio appendage.

BD ie before Daniel, my profile was chronologically correct and I was a spring chicken like 49. #gack. My mail settings were from 38 to 55 years old and tbh, that’s only because my gf Lesley gave me shit when I had my high end only at my own age. I, on the other hand, was still scarred from the first time I was a POF virgin and got messaged from scores of men that had “bring portable defibrillator on first date please” all over them. Oc, 15 seasons of ER and I’m sure I could crash cart the shit out of anyone but I don’t WANNA, ok? The heart wants what it wants and mine wants 5 – 10 years younger #itiswhatitisdude

Why do I prefer younger men? Well physically, unless you’re my age and look 10+ years younger, I’m not attracted to you. Period. Emotionally and energetically, I feel and act the same as most of my gfs, so late twenties/ early thirties? And I want someone with an equally youthful attitude. I’m not saying a man my age or older CAN’T be as young at heart; I’m just saying he needs to look like George fucking Clooney at the same time to get a spit take from me. That’s all.

My last “relationship” of 8 dates, Climbing Boy, was a year younger than me - an anomaly. He was big and tall and handsome as well as being easily tired, married to his job and not super flexible. Was that his personality or was it because he was 51? I dunno and I don’t want to be ageist because HELLO, I’m fucking older than him. At the same time, if and when I DO have a sex drive, it’s set on teenage boy, not Climbing Boy. I want a guy that wants me. Repeatedly.

And when I say I don’t look or act my age, I’m honestly telling you I’ve been mistaken for my son Boo’s gf or sister so many times it’s ridonkulous. I was carded at his 25th birthday brunch. At 52! I’m a fucking freak of nature and that’s all there is to it.

So. What does that have to do with my profile prevarication? Well. It was Daniel. Specifically Daniel on our last date in which, pre-ditch, he vigorously counseled me re: my posted age. He said:

“You should be dating someone 45 years old or younger and if you don’t dial your age back 5 years, you won’t be included in the searches of the men you want to be meeting. And once they see you/ meet you, it’ll be so NOT important.Everyone lies online. DO IT.” A Cancer. Bossy as the fucking day is long.

I argued with him. I said: “I don’t wanna lie! It’s not who I am or who I want to be.” He said: “Get over it.” We went back and forth on it as I recall but here’s the thing – even as I was disagreeing, I could see his point. Totally. Curses.

So. Daniel fucked off. I blamed myself, which is how I used to roll – SIGH - then redid my profile just before my 50th birthday, putting my age at 45. Daniel 2. Lucy 0.

Now, you’d think that would be that. I mean, I can’t tell you the amount of dates I’d already been on AT THAT POINT where, on the first date, men would casually throw out: “Oh, BTW…”

…I’m not 45. I’m actually 48.

…I’m not divorced. I’m actually just separated.

…I’m just pretending to be a good guy. I’m actually a fucking dick.

OK, no one owned up to the last one but some sure as shit should have.

What I’m saying is Daniel was totally correct: guys did lie aaaalll of the time and felt not one bit badly about BTWing me. I, on the other hand, felt all kinds of guilty and would always tell during messaging or when we first met. Soon after I changed it and was feeling most duplicitous, I told someone as if I was confessing to a recent hit and run. He looked at me, said and I quote:

“Well, it’s not like I’m going to be asking you to marry me.”

Unquote.

Dick.

And before you ask, YES, I continued on with the date but no, thank God, I reneged on the second. Lord, I put up with so much fucking guff back then #seriously

My point? I’m no longer that delicate POF flower. At. All. So, when I put up my THIRD profile, I had no compunction about saying I was 44. In fact, I was considering 42 until my gf Nicolee put the kibosh on it; I figured, in for a penny, in for a decade, amirite?

I say:

Finally, if you’ve gotten this far down, I’ll let you know that I’m really 53 and I swear like a fucking sailor. If these are deal breakers for you, it’s best you know about them now. However, I look just like my pictures so you will recognize me should we meet and what can I say? I just love to swear.

I guess I could change that “finally” to BTW, huh?

Giving zero fucks about fudging my profile until the final reveal is right where I want to be and the guy who gives zero fucks about my age is exactly who I want to meet.

#BTW

Any of you girls out there also wanting to go younger and rocking a “searchable number” with the true to life pics to back up your IRL? Let me know how that’s working out for y’all. You know how fucking nosy I am…hahahaha…Pinocchio joke. Who doesn’t have one of those?

xo Lucy