I was recently asked in a comment on my LMDLM part two post:
“Do you find online dating has gotten better over the years or is making society more reticent to commit, due to having so many options?”
And until I ruminated on my reply, I didn’t realize I’d never really tracked it in my copious notes or my like a teenaged girl’s memory for details. However, it took about ten seconds to process and to write:
“It’s gotten a little worse every year...”
But inside I was screaming: OMFG!
It’s that fucking frog in boiling water phenomenon again in which shit happens so gradually that you’re cooked amphibian in the POF pool before you do a single let alone double take. And by you I still mean little ol’ me. Sigh.
Because the frog legs in foie gras truth here at Lucy’s date drawing board is that shitty behavior while still in your computer has gone from garden variety dropping off the messaging grid to actually time and placing it then straight up ghosting you #boom
Apparently these days, if you make a date in the online forest and no one has you in the cross hairs of a sniper gun, is it really a thing, dude?
Before, no matter how irritating and imperfect connecting used to be, when I’d gone through the email chaff of so much blah blah blah and finalized plans re: face to face, it happened. I wasn’t having to put money down on it, Vegas style, and while not old school by any means, neither was it the star in the fucking East either, you know? One presumed that someone’s electronic promissory note was still of value.
Here’s the new fad, kids: fake date making. Like keyboard Play Doh, words are used to form anything desired: a walk, a drink, a something somewhere at some time. It appears to be an actual agreement between two adults until one of them doesn’t honor it because apparently just made up, sparkly rainbow invisible friend shit. Now, if we were all in kindergarten and not on POF that would be understandable but since we’re not fucking five years old, wtf?
Is it because all forms of online communication are now the equivalent of a moral get of jail card? You can be a catfish, a troll, a no show…yippee! Virtual no accountability meet the worst side of everyone’s character then go on and cosy up in the already sketchy dating forum. Good fucking idea!
Fyi, if I’ve replied to your message – and I answer about 1 in 10 – and we set a date – another 10% chance – and then you decide to just bail without the balls to MENTION it, that my friend is your picture in the dictionary under “douchebag”. You’re found lurking in the backwaters of online dating services, waiting to underwhelm with your lack of integrity. You are not cool.
Everyone’s allowed to change their minds, fyi. Np. Just a fucking heads up would be gracious and mannerly is all I’m saying. In my outside voice.
And with this, I segue gracefully into my most recent dating debacle doubled which just happened to be on Valentine’s Day. Because only me.
The first guy was a Londoner who messaged me about WWII, one of the genuine interests I have listed on my profile. We chatted briefly and then he asked if I’d like to meet someday soon. I said sure because that’s my policy, dude. Pull off that internet Bandaid fast – IRL otherwise what’s the point?
We agreed on a drink Wed. night then he got a little nervous about it and asked if we could just do a walk? That was probably my first clue. However, since I’m not Professor fucking Plum in the library with the candlestick I just said sure AGAIN and we rebooked for Sunday.
A couple of days later, I had a different, very quick, rather random interaction with a handsome “42yo” and it went yada yada yada then he said:
“I'm asking you out on a date - a bold move towards an incredibly attractive woman who is book smart which is making me nervous lol. Sun night and I've got the movie already picked out. Let's meet 5:30 and grab a quick bite first.”
Do you know how rare it is to have a guy be so proactive? #umsexy Though he did look younger than 42, I figured it was a FWP and I’d see soon enough.
So that was that. Easy peasy lemon squeezy because not my first double down day. Hello. I had no premonitions, no foreshadowing of any heart shaped irony in my future nor any back up plans. In hind sight I gotta say yeah… still no. Were they solid chances? What is a “solid chance” on POF? I mean, have you BEEN online dating before or read a single other one of my posts?
Long and silly story short, by noon the Londoner had not contacted me and Mr. Proactive had actually deleted our message thread so I couldn’t find him. Like holy fucking cowardly Lion shit, Batman. Seriously, dude.
It’s a good thing I don’t give a flying Cupid’s fuck about Valentine’s Day or have a sweet tooth otherwise I could have been a chocolated sobbing mess. I must say however, I’m not too fond of getting stood up though you’d think with all my PRACTICE I would be on the fucking podium of “can you believe this shit?” like allofthetime.
Note to self: google that, just in case.
But here’s the point, girlies – what I really and truly want to say in this pathetic topic of a post:
No matter the randomness of the behavior encountered or the disappointment that follows, don’t allow any of it to change how you behave, who you are or who you want to be. Do not choose to treat other people’s feelings like they’re irrelevant or disposable. And by you I DEF also mean me.
In other words: if I bail on you, I won’t be the only one who knows we’re no longer meeting. Because manners.
Note to everyone else: it’s a mo fo shame that actually has to be CLARIFIED...
Is it easy? Fuck no. It feels like shit to be ghosted at whatever stage obvs. Luckily, I no longer take rejection personally therefore I’m acting not REacting and I’ll continue to make an effort to be considerate of others onscreen and IRL because I can, regardless of how I'M treated.
That’s me, not becoming a bitter, cynical hag. That’s me striving to be whole, no matter the what or the who of the current craperific computer dating landscape.
So happy belated Valentine’s Day…to that me.
Has this been happening to you online lately? Anyone? Anyone? Please let me know if I’m not alone in this dodgy digital matrix that we’re calling “how to meet your bae” these days #blurgh